0

gray.

gray eyes, soft like a old sweatshirt
you wear to football games and 
for curling up on the couch in the rain.
gray like the rain falling from the sky
warm like the sun, shining on top of 
a mountain just before noon. 
gray the haze over the sea,
wispy fog drifting through the overpass
gray like the softest parts of the night. 
gray has never been so beautiful to me.
0

trifle.

i parked my car in the driveway,
but i didn’t leave room for your truck.
i swept my floor, because it was dirty.
i did my dishes, because i needed to.
i showered.
shaved my legs.
lotioned.
i like lotion, i tell myself.
i cleaned the toilet, and the sink.
for myself, i lie.
at least when i am sad, in an hour,
when you don’t show up, again,
at least my space will be a comforting space.
i didn’t match my shirt to my pants.
i didn’t change the sheets. yet.
maybe i should.
for myself, you know.
i wonder how long i should be graceful,
in this mysterious calamity that has befallen me.
somedays i want to be the volcano
burying you with my fury,
burning you with the anger,
but instead i am nothing more than
a mild breeze trifling through the leaves.

0

peace out.

I guess I must have dumbass
tattooed across my forehead.
I asked you 1,242 times if you loved me
and 1,242 times you swore you did.
I said I’d never beg to be loved again,
but I guess instead I chose to settle
for 3 hours of laughter
and a 3 hour drive.
I chose someone who wouldn’t chose me.
How the fuck does that feel?
Like shit.
We circled the drain,
fuck if it wasn’t clogged the fuck up,
but we slipped down anyway.
I slipped into madness,
and you slipped into forgetfulness.
Forgot you loved me.
Forgot you missed me.
Forgot I was your fucking girlfriend.
I asked for what I needed,
and in the end what I needed,
was just a peace out, see you later,
except later was just bullshit,
just like our relationship.

0

burnt cheese.

i say i love you.
i say it in that way that
gives you permission not
to respond;
like maybe its a joke,
or you’re just a friend,
or maybe you did something
nice and it’s just a thank you.
i say i love you.
aftertaste like burnt cheese
stuck to the roof of your mouth,
hot fire you can’t spit out.
i push down all those
questions like
do you love me too?
can you just tell me
that you want me.
just me.
i pretend like i’m not insecure
even though i look in the mirror
and i fucking hate that girl
with the shit brown eyes
and the fucked up hair.
i hate her so fucking much.
i know what they say,
i know what i say,
but it’d feel so good just to
hear you say it.
just once –
i love you.
i love you so much.
you move the fuck away
and here i am,
writing shitty poems
wishing i was wrapped up
in you like the night sky
says goodnight to the earth.

0

lies we tell ourselves on wednesday.

I sat in the water today,
staring at my Instagram picture,
wondering how long it’ll be
before I believe that caption

“love yourself so much,
that mirror never stands a chance”
but I’m like fuck.
Just fuck.

So I buy ten buck lace lingerie
thinking maybe he’ll tell me
he loves me,
but it’s just another disappointment

I look at that girl in those pictures
making weird faces and
I don’t know who the fuck that is.
Can that really be me?
Is she confident?
Or just fucking stupid.

Just fucking stupid,
probably.

 

0

summer

shampoo on a sunburn,
hawaiian shirts, $2.75,
a latte midight coffee,
conquering the world
1062 steps at a time.
through mud, over mountains,
downpours, rainstorms,
salsa dancing on a boardwalk,
piggyback rides for socks,
smiles and giggles,
bad lip synching,
roadtrips to nowhere,
and everywhere.
eggs and bakey,
breakfast in new places,

you’re the clean space
on my muddy shirt.
we’re the story behind
ugly 50 cent ties
mailed for no reason.
fireworks and hotdogs
and onions and honey mustard
and johnny cash
singing about something.
beaches and sand and sunsets
and dogs and snapchats
cheeseburgers and coffee
and secrets and dates
here we are,
at the close of it,
tan lines fading,
memories bright,
it was beautiful,
it was summer.