Logically, rationally – she is sound
Half of her brain understands logic
It listens to reason,
It rationalizes quite well.
It is churning,
ocean waves in a hurricane,
tornado on a Kansas plain.
Fire waiting for oxygen;
a backdraft waiting to happen.
There is no reason or logic;
nothing even remotely rational
on the other half of her brain.
It is creeping blackness,
shards of shadows,
a hundred spider webs,
sticky and tangling.
Cold, calculating, chaotic
cruel, relentless, chasmic.
It is this side that creates
distance and disdain,
hate, void, and pain.
Chess moves, scrabble words,
meditation and yoga,
repetition, repetition, repetition,
Until she can reason with demons,
and rationalize with the devil.
Fingernails up an arm,
down an arm.
red lines, then nothing.
Head banging into hands,
not so hard as to damage,
but to say stupid, stupid, stupid.
A brain that won’t work right,
a mind that won’t stop,
words that circle, in circles.
Breathing is an art,
regret is a black mark,
panic is the cause.
Control is the craving,
an addiction, but not quite.
You can’t cure an addiction.
Arms hug me tight –
You are okay and fine
Wait, those arms are mine.
When you don’t feel like you’re enough,
please remember that you are.
When you don’t feel like you’re worthy,
remember that you are absolutely worthy –
of love, life, happiness, and all things good.
You are worth fighting for –
no matter your flaws and imperfections,
you are a human being –
a beautiful inside and out human being,
and for that alone,
I never understood love to be a choice – until now. We’ve always heard that love is patient, love is kind, love is slow to anger, and love is not-self serving – lines that sound great in a birthday card or maybe a tattoo, but seem to rarely be put into practice. How often are we kind to one another? How often are we patient with one another? How often are we quick to be angry? How often are we self-serving? A lot.
We demonstrate love when we choose to be patient and when we are kind to one another. We demonstrate love when we serve other and when we are slow to become angry. Love is the choice to keep doing these things when everything else seems like it’s going to hell in a handbasket. Love perserveres and the reason it does is because we consistently choose to be patient and kind and servient to those that we claim we love – and even those we don’t.
Love is sometimes hard to give. It is difficult to choose patience when it would be easier to be angry and lash out. It is difficult to remain calm when someone does something to offend us. It is difficult to serve others when we feel that they are not serving us. Love is humble, too. Love is stepping back from where you’ve been and saying “yep, I messed up.”
Love is a choice that we make everyday.
I feel hollow,
But shells were meant to be filled.
The things on the inside that no one sees.
The things that kill you slowly and silently.
The things no one will believe –
that you never wanted to be crazy;
that you have words you want to say,
but you can’t because they’re trapped in your head
right behind that smile you put on.
right behind that smile.
I can feel myself fading away.
One bit at a time.
Small chunks at first.
Then bigger and larger
until there is just an outline
where I used to be.