love me.

you said you loved me,
and i believed you. 
but you left me shipwrecked,
you threw me in the ocean,
with weights on my feet.
sinking, down i go,
bottom of the sea. 
im not responsible for you,
for any part of you, 
i cant be what you need,
you say to me.
but you did this to me,
tore down my walls,
let me peer into yours,
and then when you got me naked,
when all the bricks had fallen,
you realized the inside wasn't perfect,
and you didn't want it anymore,
but you love me,
that's what you said. 
and i tried. 
i tried so hard to show you love.
i tried.
i tried.
i tried.


maybe you should be medicated,
the darkness swirls around me,
threatens to drown me in its depths
sinking seems so easy, 
drifting to the bottom, 
let the weight of the world,
carry me to the end.
but i wasn't built that way,
created from fine grained grit and spite
washed by the fires of fortune,
i will not go gently into the dark night
i will not!
no phoenix rising from the ashes, 
no wings to spread wide
just a damned and determined thing,
switch flips. 
christmas lights, new books, bar stool, fried pickles,
foggy mountain mornings, 
coasting down the mountain,
late night walks, new PRs,
diet sundrops, baby snuggles, couch potato
winter air so crisp
contentment runs river deep,
joyriding veins straight to the heart,
valleys of sunshine and green grass,
sorrow banished to haunting the edges of the forest,
i am free. 
i am free.


he said i love you but, its not enough

i love you but,
i bought a house and forgot
(i mean didn't)
tell you, and also,
i love you but,
i didn't ask you to the dance.
i love you but,
she left her panties
at my place.
i love you but,
i can't call you
(i won't call you)
i love you but,
i never bought you 
a christmas present. 
i love you but,
i can't be with you
(because im stuck)
i love you but,
im too busy. too hurt. too. 
i love you but,
i dont like touching you
and why don't you do the dishes.
i love you but,
i don't want to kiss you.
i love you but,
im leaving because i care about you.
i love you,
but you're not invited,
because you're not allowed to come
(because she will be there
and obviously we're fucking
and how come you didn't see it)
i love you but
you're too much. 
i love you but,
you need too much
(even though you never
asked for anything)
i thought i knew what love was
i thought i did, 
but maybe i just know what it isnt.



i thought i knew what love was,
dishing it out spoonfuls at a time,
overflowing the gravy bowl 
right onto the table.
it leaks through the tablecloth,
staining the wood brown black
turning into mold and rot
leaving a hole big enough
for a person to just slide right through
get your dress hiked up,
slide it right off and get fucked,
scrapes and scratches and scars,
and staring up through that hole
like you can see the stars through the ceiling
it's just nothingness out there, anyway
just empty abyss,
just keep your gravy in the pot,
let it burn to ash. 


god has a funny sense of humor,
thoughts in your head by the thousands
but you cant string them out in a straight line 
begging for love and just like a genie
he grants your wish, but at a cost you hadn't considered.


poetry is red wine and rum,
your words dancing around me 
like butterflies in the dawn
youre the girl i think about
you say, and you fold into me
like the way chocolate chips fold
into cookie dough batter,
baked to perfection, 
i love you, you say
ive loved you for so long, i whisper
ive always known this moment existed
suspended in time somewhere
waiting for us to reach it,
and here we are.
its poetry, i swear.