0

clean.

they see my trash piled up,
spilling its insides to the floor;
my endless stacks of paper,
teetering, toppling, towering;
they look at me and say
“you must not care –
about anything.”
the weight of their words
crush me into the wall
i’ve built for myself.
their disgust buries me,
like the floor,
and i make some excuse,
something about time
and other things,
my brain is screaming,
i’m so overwhelmed.
they’ll leave,
and i’ll clear a space
to hold myself
and rock and rock and rock
until the next person
comes to say,
“you must not care –
about anything.”

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0

alive.

there are people who say that
you will forget words and actions,
but never the feelings.
those people are right.
i can barely remember your face,
or your touch or your laugh.
i can’t remember the depths of your eyes,
or the way you smiled.
i can’t remember the shape of you,
or the feel of you against me.
i can’t recall the moment that i decided
that i. wanted. you.
the first time i saw you?
the first time i kissed you?
the first time you touched me?
no, i can’t remember much about you at all,
except that for a moment in time,
i was alive.
i was trapped in your fire,
burning and smoldering,
and yet,
i was more alive than i had ever been.

2

too much.

don’t tell’em how you feel,
don’t let’em know you’re crazy
never tell’em that you cry,
at night,
when you’re alone.
always be strong.
don’t ask for a thing.
let’em buy you a drink,
smile when you kiss’em.
make that light in your eye,
shine so fuckin’ bright,
they’ll never see,
just how you’re dyin’.
catch and release,
never say whatcha mean to me.
no room for honesty.
don’t even fuckin’ breathe.
count to ten,
every time you wanna give in,
just don’t.
don’t say the words
with the feelings
and the hopes and the dreams.
hold back every fuckin’ scream.
you’re enough, you know that
but for them it’s too much,

0

spaces.

the spaces inside me rearrange themselves
over and over and over and over
never settling, never fitting, never ending
a puzzle that wasn’t printed right.
3 to 4 to 7 to 8 to 5 to 3 to 7.
run. run. run. run. stay.
body still, face blank as a clean slate
brain is going. going. going.
heart is racing. pacing.
doesn’t anyone else find it odd
to see an elephant sitting on my chest
or is it just me? am i crazy? you don’t see it?
the spaces inside me rearrange themselves
opening. closing. spinning.
tilt-a-whirl inside my fucking soul.
white trash in a vacuum,
around. around. around. dirty.
chaotic.
i wish i could put these pieces on pause.
the spaces inside me rearrange themselves.
3 to 4 to 7 to 8 to 5 to 3 to 7.

0

Skin.

Sitting here in the dark,
remembering how it felt
to be skin to skin with you.
To feel fire and heat and hot
and to be wanted, oh you just don’t know
how solace can be found
in the arms of a lover.
To be wanted,
to feel alive, for the first time.
Being born again from flames,
taking away the rage,
taking away the pain.
You are so beautiful,
in every light, every angle.
To know the depth of you,
is where my compass would point.
To extend this peace for a long while yet,
to never have you leave.
To be here wrapped in your embrace,
to never say goodbye again.
Temporarily insane.
The place I want to leave my soul,
is here, in this bed with you,
skin to skin.