I love that moment when I drive under a bridge in the rain and just for a moment – the tiniest fraction of time – there is peace from the storm. It is a moment of light, in a darkened room. It comes and goes like a ghost passing through a wall. A shadow.

I love that moment when I reach the middle of a tunnel and for a whole heartbeat, the rest of the world is lost to me. The radio stops. Cellphone loses reception. Silence. Peace. And then it is gone.

I love that moment when I am driving at night and my headlights meet those of another car. For the briefest of moments, we share a space. A light. Together we illuminate the darknight. Two people who have never met, sharing a light in the dark. There is beauty in that.

Today, is my own personal struggle. Today, I looked in the mirror and hated myself. I look and I don’t see anything to love. Today, I feel so ugly and fat and inadequate. Not always, but for right now and for today and probably for tomorrow, that is my reality. Today, I ache with wanting to be healthier and skinnier and happier and yet it seems like an impossible goal. I keep falling so far down there doesn’t seem to be a way out. It gets better, I know that, but for now…my heart hurts and the girl in the mirror doesn’t love me. She doesn’t love me at all.

I  miss you so much, dude. I remember when you were a puppy and you would cry in your crate when we left. I remember the first night you stayed out in the big pen with Max and Ziva. Daddy told me not to leave you, but I knew you could handle it. Of course I rushed home to make sure you did indeed, handle it. Grammy had already rescued you. What a relief. Then there was the gorilla. I really liked that gorilla and yet somehow it became your chew toy! You humped that thing, chewed it, shook it, and even peed on it! You slept in bed with us ever since that first night. I will never forget the look on Zivas face when we she saw you for the first time. You always threw up when we went on car rides. And you drove Max crazy nipping his tail and chasing him. You were such a little fiend. When we moved, you still slept with us. Always at my feet. And growling at me when I tried to move you (you thought you were the king!). All the times you tried to sit on my head while I was on the couch. And sneaking up when you knew you weren’t supposed to get on there. Then there was the time before you were neutered (sorry, dude) and you peed on everything! Including the trashcan. There was the time we took you hiking (tried to) and you hated every minute of it. Including the drive to and from. Also, you tried to bite the vet. I don’t really blame you there because he can be kind of loud. You picked people that you liked. Like Lauren and Jennifer. Such a silly, goofy dog you were. I miss you so much, Mar. I’m writing this and you should be down at my feet and you aren’t. I even heard you bark that night. I knew it sounded too far away but I didn’t call you. I should have called you. I went to the pound and got a new dog. Not to replace you, but because I can’t stand the empty spaces you’ve left behind. This new guy, we named him Jasper. He’s funny and goofy, but he’s not you. I would give anything to give you head scratches and see you looking so serious over everything again. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry I left the gate unlatched. I was thinking the other day that one day you’d fade away in old age, but I never thought you’d get hit by a car at five in the morning. I keep hoping you’ll come home, that I’m dreaming, or crazy, or both. I miss you. I miss you so freakin’ much. I don’t think anyone will understand how much I do. You were my snuggle buddy. Plus you kept my feet warm and I hate that you’re gone. Maybe one day I’ll find another brindle pitbull just like you. One lazy and silly and serious, but even then, you’ll always be my Marlow. I miss you, dude, and I’ll love you always.

How did you get so bitter and cynical and so damned scared of your own shadow that you can’t even let the rest of the world take a breath? How did it happen? When did it happen? Was it a gradual thing or did society just suddenly plunge into stupidity and lose all common sense the way you lose your breath when you dive into cold water? It doesn’t matter. Not really, cause we’re already there. Everyone is scared stupid. Sincerely stupid.

It’s time for us all to be friggin’ rebels cause children can’t build tree houses in their front yards because – who cares why – they can’t and they should. There should be tree houses in all the trees and kids should be outside laughing – called me old fashioned – but that’s how it should be.

Are you with me yet? How about all the girls being kicked out school for shoulders and backs and dresses because it is somehow a woman’s responsibility to keep Juniors you-know-what in his pants. Because a woman can be blamed for her rape because she wore provacative clothing. And why wouldn’t she? Because all society tells us that sex is love and love is sex and they never mention personality or charm or what are those things called…oh BRAINS. Nope, they don’t mention that. So girls, you wear those dresses and show those shoulders and the next time Bilbo Dildo looks at you sideways, sucker punch him with a pipe to the special place and when they ask why you tell them he looked friggin’ shady.

Be a friggin’ rebel. The next time you see police about to shoot someone who looks like he maybe doesn’t deserve it – call 911, yell, scream, throw a damn rock, but do something besides video it. If fifty people are watching and no one says anything, you’re all friggin’ guilty. Risk your life for something other than a blunt, Weezy. Stand for something. Be something…other than a riot instigator (and I ain’t talking all about the black people, either).

The next time you see a child at a park playing alone. Keep an eye out for him and make sure no one kidnaps him, but leave him the friggin’ friggers alone. Don’t call the cops to come snatch him away. He’s a child and he’s learning responsibility and how to play and be brave and not be the jackass causing trouble for other parents. It’s called being a good neighbor and a good person and if everyone practices this, then the kidnappers won’t be able to kidnap them. Also, if you’re the police and you happen to come upon a child who has been allowed to play at a park alone, take the time to build relationships with said child – not make them fear you. Don’t let your own fear hurt you. Call the mom if you really need to, but don’t take the child away from where it is. Like a baby friggin’ duck. You leave the baby duck where it’s mommy left it.

So c’mon peeps. Be a friggin’ rebel. Don’t let society make us so dumb and so scared that we can’t move or think or say “Hey, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” I don’t know where the common sense went, but it’s lost and needs to be found. Rebel. Say NO. Be brave. Be brilliant. Exercise that brain juice and get on it, already.

Today, I read the fitness procedures and test material for an upcoming fitness exam. I’ve been avoiding this class since 2009. That’s about six years, I believe. Why? Because it’s taken me a long time to love myself. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that my body shape is the way it is. It’s taken me hours and hours of pep-talking myself in the mirror to come to terms with the fact that skinny jeans and I will never be best friends. It’s taken me years and years and years and marriage to someone who loves me even when I’m naked to believe it’s okay to wear a bikini. I’ve tried it all – starving myself, throwing up, eat this or eat that, exercise more – and this is still me. It took forever for me to decide that I was beautiful even though I can’t fit into a size three or eight. It’s taken me a long time to look the world dead in the eye and say “fuck you.” I’m just as hypocritical as the rest of the world when it comes to body image. I won’t lie and say I’m not. I want to be that 125 I was in high school. The day I see those numbers on the scale, I will celebrate. And it’s going to take a while. I know that. I’ve been doing good though. Eating healthier, trying to exercise more. But it’s hard to take off those pounds you added while on birth control and getting married. I’d love to say that my confidence in myself is unshakable, but’s not. And the last thing I want is someone telling me that I’m overweight and fat and I need to work on it. Thanks, I already know. I know. I live in my body. Especially in front of other people.

I recently changed my major to sociology. I actually thought about getting my masters in counseling for a brief time. It wasnt until my professor kept reiterating at if we were having problems we should go to be counling center. I couldn’t help but think “what are friends for?” Counseling can be a great thing, but in my opinion, I don’t think at it is necessary for every little thing. What happened to hanging out with a friend and just venting a little? Having a beer? I don’t think I can be a counselor. I’d rather be a friend. I’d rather be a validator, a hugger, a fighter, a lover, a friend, an advice giver. And I would rather have that for myself. I am not discounting therapy – don’t get me wrong. I think it’s great. I just think that there is more than one way to catch a tiger. I think that we have become so disconnected with the Internet and too many jobs and too many bills and too many people telling us what we should do, that we have forgotten how to be human beings.

I’m not extraordinary.
I’m not especially eccentric.
I’m emotional.
I eat, sleep, dream, die
Just like the rest of you.
I’m just normal.
And I like it that way.
I like the waking up
And the sleeping
And the dreaming.
The dying not so much.
Just words on a platform,
Trying to tell you how normal I am.
So you don’t think that
The thing I had destroyed me.
Or my sense of self-worth.
Or my hopes and dreams.
I still look in the mirror
And frown.
But only on occasion.
It’s not a defect,
I’m just normal.
That’s all I want to be.
Just normal.
Just normal.
Just normal.

Today, I don’t believe in You. No, not today. Probably not tomorrow either.
But don’t tell anyone.
It’s a secret. It has to be.
I used to be SO close to you. I could feel you. It was almost like I could reach out and touch You. I almost felt that way yesterday, but in a moment it was gone. Like last summer, the day before, whispers in the night – You left me. Maybe You’re busy right now. Or maybe not. I’ll come back, I always do.
But it’s a secret. So don’t tell.
It’s been a long time since I really felt Your presence. As I’m writing this, I can ALMOST feel you here with me but when I turn to look you’ll be gone.
People talk all the time about how we’re supposed to do this or that and the other and laws and rules and inside, I’m struggling just to keep believing in You. They say we should just have faith, but do they even know how that hard is? Do they struggle like me?
I’ll keep waiting. I’ll keep trying.
But today…
Today, I don’t believe in You.