Author Archives: thenspeaksthesoul

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Invisible.

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I don’t have a picture today, so if you’re reading this I’m sorry. Today, I just don’t feel like pictures. Today I feel invisible. I feel very, very invisible. This invisibleness, it’s a story. I guess I’ll tell it today while I’m hiding in the bathroom listening to the shower run. Random fact: I actually like to write in the bathroom with the water running. It’s calm and peaceful and just what I need. So, I’m not going to feel awkward about hiding in the bathroom with my Chromebook and letting a few tears fall. That’s okay. It’s okay. 

So, this story begins with a little girl who loved to read. She walked the halls of her elementary school with her nose buried in a book everyday. She loved books, she loved reading, and she loved to write. She read Little Women in the third grade and her teachers thought she was nuts. Maybe a little gifted. Maybe not. Then in fourth grade she wrote her first poem. She had a teacher that year that let her read her poems in class. That teacher was awesome. The next year, teachers said she was a good writer. Then everything went downhill from there. She wrote lots of poems before she became invisible. She shared them with her father and he told her she was fabulous and a amazing writer. Somewhere, her grandmother still has her first poem, framed. 

Then the girl with the amazing imagination and great talent for writing started to fade. She was becoming invisible and no one even noticed it. Her writings weren’t lighthearted and cheery anymore. They were desperate and sometimes hopeful. With a stepmother who never told her she loved her and a father who was becoming invisible too, she started imagining how she wished life would be and then she wrote her first story. And her second. And her third. And they were desperate and sometimes hopeful. 

BY the time the little girl reached high school she was almost completely invisible. She wrote and she wrote and she wrote and she wrote, yet no one saw. No one saw her and no one heard her. Still, she kept writing and still, she kept fading. The end of high school came near and she was merely a shadow clinging to the walls of the school and her home. She hoped one day someone would discover her. That they would unfade her, that they would smile at her, make her uninvisible. Then one day, her words were heard. Then they thought she was crazy. This girl who had been slowly fading and becoming invisible even when she reached out for help and reassurance. Even when she begged someone to see her. Even then, when they thought she was crazy, she was still invisible. They couldn’t seem to find her because she had completely disappeared. 

Sometimes, the little girl still feels invisible. 

So remember to look for the people who are fading. 
Don’t let them become invisible. 

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BE NICE! It’s not complicated.

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I just finished reading an article about SJP and to be quite honest, while I can believe the mean things that people say, it also makes me angry. I like her. I think she’s pretty and successful and I have never seen her name in the middle of some scandal. Maybe it has been, but I haven’t seen it. Regardless, that’s not the point. The point is that while this woman is beautiful, successful, and “good” (for lack of a better word at this moment), people think that it is okay to say “she looks like a horse” or “why the long face” or “she’s one of the ugliest people I’ve ever seen.” If you are one of those people leaving comments like those, you should be ashamed of yourself! Completely, 100% ashamed. Sure, we have freedom of speech and I suppose that gives people the right to say whatever they want, even if it is mean. I imagine there are some underlying issues for the people that post such negative comments – maybe a bad day, maybe a bad life, maybe no one ever told them they were beautiful and so they go around casting those stones at people who can’t/won’t defend themselves — and I’m not just talking about SJP. If you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say it. It’s that simple. Don’t say hurtful things just because she’s a celebrity and you think she won’t see what you say. Do you really think that she’s never heard or read or seen that people say she looks like a horse? Do you think she doesn’t have feelings? Even if she’s one of those people who just brushes it off, at least publicly, do you not think that maybe it does hurt her? And again, I’m not just talking about SJP here. Think before you post, people. To try and break someone, bring them down, ESPECIALLY for their looks is cruel. There’s enough cruelty out there without people spreading it like wildfire. The Golden Rule. Remember it. Act on it. 

 

***Photo courtesy of http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/03/sarah-jessica-parker-elle-fashion_n_1936099.html. Edited by, thenspeaksthesoul.

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Learning Curves

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Everyone has secrets, right? 
Well let me tell you one about me…
I’ve always been that girl. The one in the back of the class. I never liked group projects. I don’t like public speaking. Even now, I stutter sometimes and I can’t find the words I’d like to say but I can write anything. I can tell secrets in the written word that I’d never tell in person. Maybe that’s cowardly but I don’t care because that’s just how it is. I’m a writer, not a talker. But that’s not the secret.

The secret is that all my life the only thing I’ve ever really wanted was a stable family. A mommy and a daddy and the two kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. I’ve always wanted to be married, to have someone who loves me, and to be that girl. The wife who bakes cookies and has everyones kids at her house all the time. I want to be my grandmother. I want to learn to play the piano like my mother did. I want to have the faith of my grandfather. I want to have the determination of my daddy. I want to be this amazing person and sometimes….I don’t know how. 

Sometimes, I feel lazy. I don’t want to do the dishes. I don’t want to cook. Sometimes I don’t want to walk my dog. Sometimes I don’t want to be this nice, sweet person. What I want to be is a lazy bitch who orders take out and has an occasional margarita at Applebee’s with a friend. Sometimes, I want peace and quiet and silence and I just want to be alone. Sometimes, I want to be late to work…on purpose. Sometimes, I just want to call in and pretend to be sick while I sit home on the couch and eat ice cream all day and do absolutely nothing. 

I started this blog because I wanted to inspire someone. Anyone. Maybe the person I needed to inspire was myself. I guess this is all just a learning curve. Mostly this is sort of anonymous. Probably one or two people reading this might actually know me. (Hey Andrew, if you’re reading this –I love you, unconditionally). 

In any case, I’m not out looking for advice, so please don’t give it. I’m looking to vent, to inspire, to check out my own learning curve, and to maybe just maybe, find out who I am and who I want to be.

Thanks for reading, beautiful people. 
Have a fabulous, fabulous day.

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Be. You.

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Life is about seeing yourself, being yourself, loving yourself. I’d like to say that I have this whole loving yourself thing down to a science, but the truth is…I don’t. Sometimes, I have this vivid image of who I am and where I’m going and all the wonderful things I’m going to do someday. And…then there are the days where I feel fat so I eat an entire bag of potato chips and tell myself I’ll go run tomorrow. Well, tomorrow comes and I never go run and so I wear the potato chips on my hips until I feel better about myself and maybe I’ll eat some salad with my dressing next time. That’s healthy, right? Somedays, I like to pretend I’m Katherine Heigl – she’s gorgeous (like you!) and then all of a sudden I’m asking myself who I am and what I want to be when I grow up.

So while I’m sitting here writing and telling you to be beautiful and brave, the truth is that I don’t always feel beautiful and brave. And that’s the thing. You can be scared and that’s okay. But loving yourself and staying true to yourself means being brave. It is telling all those people – the magazines, the celebrities, your mother-in-law, the bridal shop lady to shove it (nicely) while you eat your peanut butter and pickle sandwiches and watch Grey’s Anatomy until you turn blue and faint. Whatever makes you, you – just do it. The world is better with the REAL you in it.

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You. Are. Not. Alone.

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Everybody has a story. Something good, something bad. That one thing, or many things, that made them who they are. As human beings it is so very easy to forget that we are not alone. It’s easy to feel like we’re stuck fighting battles alone. When you’re alone in the shower feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, it’s easy to forget that there is someone else out there, crying their eyes out in the shower too. We put on our brave faces for the world and we go out there and we tell them that we’re okay and we’re fine and really, we aren’t. We are broken and damaged and hurt and scared and lots of other ugly things that we can’t ever imagine sharing with the rest of the world. And then we feel alone because we’ve created this elephant – society has created this massive elephant – where you aren’t allowed to feel anything other than happiness. You’re supposed to be happy and carefree and smart and perfect 100% of the time and that’s complete and utter bullshit. We are people and we have feelings! It’s okay to have feelings. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be angry. It is okay to be human. But we forget that. We have stories, bad and good, all of us do. We’re human beings. And we are not alone. 

You, beautiful person, are not alone. 

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Beautiful.

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It’s true you know. You are. Whoever you are, sitting there reading this. Maybe you’ve had a hard day and it really sucked and you’re doubting yourself. Maybe you had a fabulous day and you still feel kind of ugly on the inside anyway. It doesn’t really matter, to be honest. You’re still beautiful and fabulous and amazing. Mirrors lie. People lie. BUT — this is the truth. Whoever you are, you are beautiful and don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. It doesn’t matter what the scale says, what size pants you wear, or even whether your purple. I’ve never seen a purple person, but if that’s you – you’re freaking beautiful. Go, go right now! Look in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are. Accept your hotness and loveliness and be happy. Love yourself. You deserve it. You do!!!