you don't feel like smoke,
you feel like solid ground. 

you love me when you’re drunk,

and my body is yours for the taking,

but you don’t even like me

when you’re sober.

eyes the color of green sea glass,
you promise me dancing,
you say you'll marry me,
and we know it's a joke, 
but there's a part of me,
that wonders if maybe
winter is finally ending. 

*trigger warning. 
*not suicidal, but if you are, please reach out for help.

something in me craves life,
the way that someone not sober
craves a little wine-whiskey-mixed drink.
even so, even so,
the fantasy of blowing my brains out
by the pond, under the trees,
wide brown eyes looking up
at the gray sky, 
while the water drifts. 
solace. 

they whisper to you,
tell you they love you
tell you they want you,
tell you you're beautiful,
tell you you're special,
they tell you you are
safe
warm
comfortable.
but they lie.

i realized tonight, 
that i do not know 
how to be loved. 
i know how to give,
and bend and break,
but i do not know
how to accept
when the earth moves
to make room
for my roots. 

i wish i could take the ache 
from inside you,
and fill it with warm
and hope
and fire
and all the light.
lay on my chest and let me
love you until 
the sun creeps
through the window. 
you will always be safe with me. 

i never know,
if you mean you cant 
love me at all
or if you just cant
love me right now. 

i told the wind,
how much i loved you,
and how much i missed you.

i am drunk,
and tomorrow i will regret this, 
but i love you,
and sometimes,
i make bad decisions.