I just want to stare at the wall until the sun comes up and these feelings fade. Funny how history repeats itself. Sometimes, the end of this feels like it’s right around the corner. But just when I think I’ve had all I can take, I’ll stand there groveling, begging for more. I realized the other day that it just took a few weeks for me to fall into survival mode. Hour by hour, day by day. I thought I was in the clear – that maybe I was getting my shit together and I could just roll on through the days high on happiness.
What a fucking crock of shit.
I could feel it coming. It starts like a shadow. Did I see that? Did I really feel that? Shake it off. But then it comes, like it always does. It starts as irritation. Annoyance. Then it escalates to shame and rage and fury. It’s like there’s me – and then It. And It takes hold and it won’t let go. I can hear myself in the background, trying to rationalize while It throws things and curses and shouts. It likes to destroy things. Destruction and then shame and exhaustion. Sometimes, I can be stronger than It. I can drown It. I can choke It down. I can walk It off. But not lately.
I just want to stare into space until I wake up.
I was married for 5 years. Technically 6.
And it feels like a fucking dream.
I just want to be loved. Unconditionally. I want flowers and to be thought of. I want to know that I’m important and that someone gives a shit. I want someone who notices my absence. I want someone who says “good morning, beautiful” and the fucking cliche things. I want someone who wants to marry me and never live a day without me and fucking means it. I don’t want a lot. I don’t need material things. I can get that shit for myself. I want pictures that I didn’t take. I want letters I didn’t write. I want someone who keeps It from coming back again and again. I want to be a priority.