Learning Curves

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Everyone has secrets, right? 
Well let me tell you one about me…
I’ve always been that girl. The one in the back of the class. I never liked group projects. I don’t like public speaking. Even now, I stutter sometimes and I can’t find the words I’d like to say but I can write anything. I can tell secrets in the written word that I’d never tell in person. Maybe that’s cowardly but I don’t care because that’s just how it is. I’m a writer, not a talker. But that’s not the secret.

The secret is that all my life the only thing I’ve ever really wanted was a stable family. A mommy and a daddy and the two kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. I’ve always wanted to be married, to have someone who loves me, and to be that girl. The wife who bakes cookies and has everyones kids at her house all the time. I want to be my grandmother. I want to learn to play the piano like my mother did. I want to have the faith of my grandfather. I want to have the determination of my daddy. I want to be this amazing person and sometimes….I don’t know how. 

Sometimes, I feel lazy. I don’t want to do the dishes. I don’t want to cook. Sometimes I don’t want to walk my dog. Sometimes I don’t want to be this nice, sweet person. What I want to be is a lazy bitch who orders take out and has an occasional margarita at Applebee’s with a friend. Sometimes, I want peace and quiet and silence and I just want to be alone. Sometimes, I want to be late to work…on purpose. Sometimes, I just want to call in and pretend to be sick while I sit home on the couch and eat ice cream all day and do absolutely nothing. 

I started this blog because I wanted to inspire someone. Anyone. Maybe the person I needed to inspire was myself. I guess this is all just a learning curve. Mostly this is sort of anonymous. Probably one or two people reading this might actually know me. (Hey Andrew, if you’re reading this –I love you, unconditionally). 

In any case, I’m not out looking for advice, so please don’t give it. I’m looking to vent, to inspire, to check out my own learning curve, and to maybe just maybe, find out who I am and who I want to be.

Thanks for reading, beautiful people. 
Have a fabulous, fabulous day.

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