they tell me all the things
they're supposed to,
all the things to build me up
and all the things to break you down
but i know you,
and i know that the things
that they say yo comfort me,
aren't the truth.

grief. 
i told you not to dance with me
if you didn't mean it. 
and you danced with me,
round and round and round.
grief, 
is like dancing. 
round and round and round,
the music stops,
you change hands,
the music starts again. 
round and round and round. 
grief.

my therapist said i was
a good human
bc i wont let a small child
run into traffic,
but now thats all i hear.
just a good human
no one special.
just a good human.

I know this is an illusion 
brought on by alcohol. 
my poison ivy doesnt itch
and my eyes are numb
my heart is happy,
but i know it's an illusion..
it's 941 and he hasn't called.
i know when i wake up,
the hurt will fill my soul.
i know it.
but i want these few minutes.
let me have this.
let me be numb.
let the magic work.

if you're hurting, 
i just need you to tell me
i got bandaids for days.
i got the fix,
i got the cure,
i got the hair rubs,
i got the time,
i got the space,
i can unzip my whole soul
to deal with your pain.
i just can't deal with goodbye.

drunk af right now
and hoping i dont wake up
at midnight wondering
why im still alive.
hoping that hell call,
and we'll sort it out,
and ill say, man,
i feel like shit
and hell say
but i love you,
what are the chances 
i wonder.

wash your hands. 
vomit. 
blow your nose.
swish. 
benedryl. 

i whisper that i miss you, 
and now you dont say it back
and the silence is louder 
than anything i could shout. 
i wonder is if this is the part
where we drift and drift
until we are oceans apart. 

the longer we continue to share the same spaces,
the harder it gets to use my words.
i dont even know what this is to you,
and i dont want to ask because 
that runs the both the risk of 
disappointment and embarrassment.
the silence grows bigger, and darker.
i thought i was getting better,
i thought i was getting better at this. 

you’re catastrophizing.

i know.

you are taking it personally.

i know.

but it feels personal.

like maybe no one actually needs me after all.