i said im sorry that you caused me pain and i promise not to do it again. ill be patient and kind. ill be quiet and soft. ill be pleasant, and i wont be angry. ill be anything that you can imagine. ill take the 40 lashes, if you'll promise to comfort me after. im so sorry that you hurt me, i didnt mean to.
always wash your hands, before you shove your fingers down your throat.
if i was a pitcher,
i would be empty.
i would be glass falling,
shattering to the floor.
my sense of self worth is not based on your response, i whisper. then why are your hands shaking, why are there tears in your eyes, my body cries.
some days i almost slip up,
type i love you in the text box,
but i already know that would be
too, too much for you right now
so i just tell you,
that i care about you so much
and to drink your water
and to have good day
because i guess i dont
have to say the words
for you to feel it.
i wonder if i knew what love was before you, did i really know? or was the universe teaching me this whole time, knowing that i was destined to fall for you like rain sweeping down over the mountains side, whispering to the earth, caressing it like a lover. i dont know that i have ever loved, anyone, the way that i find myseld loving you now. you are the mountain, and i am the rain.
the ache to feel your skin under my fingers, temporarily soothed by your presence you pour yourself out to me, an overflowing pitcher of emotions. i see what it means to be human; to be raw and real and open, vulnerable and naked and i have never loved you more than in that moment.
i love you. however irrational it may seem, but love is more than a feeling. infatuation, delight, warmth - those are good and wonderful, but love is also a choice. to love is to be patient, and to be kind. love is grace in place of anger. it is intentional. so, yes, perhaps it seems insane or questionable or a lot of things, but i love you all the same.
does your soul know that i love you, even if your mind does not?
gray eyes, soft like a old sweatshirt you wear to football games and for curling up on the couch in the rain. gray like the rain falling from the sky warm like the sun, shining on top of a mountain just before noon. gray the haze over the sea, wispy fog drifting through the overpass gray like the softest parts of the night. gray has never been so beautiful to me.